Let me tell you about my new eating plan. It’s the latest thing. I’ve worked closely with my doctor to devise this plan. Based on the latest medical research, this plan is clinically proven to help you decrease your daily caloric intake by reducing your appetite for a healthy meal and get you in shape by keeping you running back and forth to the pharmacy. Best of all, you won’t give a shit, because you’ll stay happily buzzed all day long. Woo!
Fibro Diet Breakfast
The Fibro Diet Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. It is designed to set the stage for the rest of your day by providing a somewhat nutritious chemical cocktail that relieves all of your fibromyalgia symptoms:
- fibromyalgia pain,
- muscle stiffness,
- widespread pain,
- fibro fog,
- excessive snot from multiple chemical sensitivity,
- chronic shitty mood from severe widespread pain,
- chronic fatigue,
- feelings of worthlessness, self-pity, and hopelessness,
- wanting to die just to escape the pain, and
- the general feeling that you got eaten by a bear and shit off a cliff.
Personally, I recommend three or four lattes just to keep you from passing out like an alcoholic at an open bar.
Here’s a photo of what a typical Fibro Diet Breakfast looks like:
Unfortunately, the Fibro Diet Breakfast does have side effects. You may experience:
- warm, fuzzy feelings,
- the inability to give a shit about anything in general,
- Tourette’s-like vocal/typing tic with a special inclination to say and type the word “shit” a lot,
- uncontrollable urge to listen to Missy Elliott so you can pop, lock, and drop it,
- inability to pop it back up after you drop it, followed by
- feelings of inferiority, inadequacy, and sadness over lost youth, which is, fortunately, quickly replaced by
- not giving a shit again as you sit back down to finish writing your awesome blog post.
Shit! I just realized that I was supposed to go get blood drawn this morning, before which I wasn’t supposed to eat or drink anything. In my usual groggy morning state, I automatically made – and thoroughly enjoyed – my morning latte. Oopsie. Oh well. Maybe Monday.
Okay, so the Fibro Diet Breakfast may actually worsen attention-deficit disorder (ADD) and heighten CRS (Can’t Remember Shit) Syndrome.
It’s all good, though.
Why, you ask?
Because I’m too stoned to give a shit!
No diet program is complete without an effective exercise component, and The Fibro Diet comes with just such a critter.
Fibro Diet Exercise Program
Driving or operating machinery while on this program is not recommended, by the way…which is the PERFECT setup to get your stiff, sore ass back in shape!
Since you’ll be too stoned to drive yourself back and forth to the pharmacy to get your huge bag of meds, try my favorite exercise, Dance Walking, on your frequent pharmacy pickups instead!
Check out the video to learn more about Dance Walking.
Dance Walking just makes me happy. Doesn’t that look like fun???
History of The Fibro Diet
So, how did I get here, taking 10 pills for breakfast every morning? What happened to “pushing through the pain” and all that?
One word: PAIN
As you know from previous posts, my fibromyalgia treatment began with prescriptions for Effexor and Naprosyn. We added Vitamin D-3 when blood tests revealed severe Vitamin D deficiency, which is known to cause severe widespread pain, especially in the hips, pelvis, and ribs, muscle spasms, twitches, and cramps, fatigue, weight gain, immune deficiency, muscle weakness, especially in the arms and legs, and a whole slew of other physical and cognitive discomforts. Since beginning the Vitamin D, I have experienced a definite improvement in the gawdawful bone pain I had and the random muscle twitches that annoyed the shit out of me.
I turned to yoga for exercise, thinking it would be gentle enough not to aggravate any fibromyalgia symptoms. I was wrong. By the end of class, the nerve pain in my feet was so bad that my feet felt like they were on fire. I had to come out of several poses to give my feet a break. Just the thought of putting my shoes back on made me cringe. The day after, I experienced widespread pain, swollen joints, muscle stiffness, soreness, and fatigue so bad that I could barely move.
The Effexor definitely improved the burning nerve pain characteristic of fibro that made my skin too sore to be touched. At first, it did help improve my mood. As time has passed, however, I have become emotionally blunted, as in the pervasive “I don’t give a shit” attitude you’ve already picked up on.
I want to sleep all the time. Like, All. The. Time.
The Effexor also directly interferes with the effectiveness of my Concerta, which I take for ADD, and causes my episodes of hyperfocus to become downright obsessive-compulsive. I can’t switch tasks to save my life.
I have become anchoritic – I do not want to leave my house, especially to go into public places, nor do I want to socialize in any way.
Since I’ve been taking Effexor, my sugar cravings have increased in frequency and intensity. I’ve gained another 20 pounds, bringing my weight up to 250 effin’ pounds! I am now officially as fat as a bear, y’all – and I ain’t talking about the cute and cuddly kind, either.
I’m as ornery as a pitbull shittin’ railroad spikes – and guess what?
I don’t give a shit.
Come on now, say it with me:
I. Don’t. Give. A. Shit.
There ya go! Don’t you feel better?
Yeah, neither do I. Oh, well.
The naproxen takes the edge off. Still, I’ve had to practically bathe myself in Aspercreme – which I highly recommend, by the way – to deal with the pain that’s left.
The worst part is – even with all this “treatment,” I’m not able to function.
- My house is downright nasty, except for the living room, in case unwanted company comes.
- Pulling the laundry in and out of the washer and dryer sends my body into spasms.
- Folding and hanging clothes sends my body into spasms.
- Standing at the sink to wash dishes (because my new dishwasher, purchased six months ago, is still sitting in its box) sends my body into spasms ~and~
- aggravates the friggin’ dishydrotic eczema on my hands.
The last straw, however, came a few days ago when our basement flooded after days and days of torrential rain and I had to clean up all the water. I mopped until I was soaked with sweat. The next day, I could barely hold a pen or type on the keyboard. My arms were cramped up so tight that both of my pinkies were numb. My fingers would get stuck, so that I had to work them loose with my other hand. I could barely turn a door knob.
It pissed me off so bad, I decided I didn’t give a shit about not taking narcotics or any other addictive substance. As far as I’m concerned, right now I’d smoke a pipe of crack if I thought it would help me get through my day. Well, not really, but you get my point. So far, my fibromyalgia treatment has been only marginally effective, and the side effects aren’t worth the price I’m paying in terms of quality of life.
Fed up with the pain and inability to do what I need to do, I made an appointment with my doctor, and that’s how the The Fibro Diet began.
Another Doctor Appointment (Yay)
My doctor is now weening me off of the Effexor. She warned me that I was going to feel like total hell for the next month as it leaves my system. I’m to expect dizziness, heart palpitations, and possibly seizures.
Well, whatever, I guess. If I kick the bucket, at least I won’t have to take that crap anymore. Hey, I’m trying to be positive.
She wrote me prescriptions for Neurontin (gabapentin) twice daily for the burning nerve pain and Robaxin (methocarbamol) three times daily for the muscle spasms. I’m to continue taking the Naprosyn (naproxen) twice daily for inflammation and pain, my Concerta (methylphenidate-ER) for ADD, and of course, my allergy meds and vitamins.
Today is my first day on this new fibromyalgia treatment. As you can tell, I’m completely out of it. Fortunately, this effect is supposed to wear off as my tolerance increases. The good news is, I slept like a rock last night. Although my muscles were stiff and sore when I woke up, maybe more so than usual, the new meds quickly relieved it. I can move my neck better than I’ve been able to in months, and I was on the verge of being perky after my 10 pills and a latte breakfast cocktail kicked in.
I said “on the verge.” Don’t get it twisted.
We’ll see what tomorrow brings.
Until next time…