Colonoscopy
So, this is what my life has come to: blogging about my bowels.
Awesome.
I guess I’m officially old now that I feel compelled to discuss bodily functions and medical procedures with the world. Oh well.
The colonoscopy went very well, although prepping for it was sh*tty. (Ha! 
) Prep wasn’t nearly as bad as I imagined it would be. I imagined unbearably painful cramps and begging to die. Fortunately, everything went smoothly, sort of.
Right as the cleansing process began, sweet Little Dragon decided to invite her friend and her friend’s step dad down to see our four new kittens – right outside my bathroom door. So, there I was, in the most vulnerable position a human can be in having the most moving experience ever with a crowd of strangers just on the other side of a very thin wall. Fabulous.
I texted Little Tiger and my mom for help getting rid of them, but help never came. There’s just nothing like being stuck on the potty, is there?
Ha! Yes, I did!!! 
Anybody remember that song?
No?
Nobody?
Okay, anyway…
They put me to sleep for the procedure. All I remember was the nurse injecting the anesthesia then I woke up as they were wheeling me into my little curtained recovery stall. The nurse warned me before they put me to sleep that they would inject air. You know what that means, right? Apparently, some people have been too embarrassed to let go of it in the curtained stalls, where – hello – everyone else is doing the same thing!
Seriously? If I was nurse, I’d hold contests and giveaways for the best fart. I’m just crazy like that, I guess. Besides, work should be fun!
This is when I realized that medical people have absolutely no sense of humor. None. Well, either that or they’ve heard all of my unoriginal jokes so many times that it gets on their nerves. But really, when is saying “That laxative put me in a sh*tty mood yesterday, but it passed” not funny?
They must assess people’s sense of humor in the interview. The interviewer cracks a joke and if you laugh until you snort, your resume goes to the bottom of the pile with a “Thanks. We’ll call you,” but if you just smile politely, you’re hired.
I was lucky enough to get the stall beside the funniest old man, ever. The nurse asked me to roll onto my side and relieve the air. My goal was to flutter the curtains, or at least my blanket. I’m pretty sure I at least got the blanket to puff up a little.
The old man beside me, in his thick East Tennessee accent said, “Hey, cut that out!”
He was joking. I can’t remember if I said it or not, but I was thinking, “Yeah, I cut it alright!”
I wish I had videoed my time in recovery. Maybe I was just loopy from the anesthesia, but listening to this dude talk to the nurse was the funniest thing ever. Now I can’t remember everything he said, but the funniest part was when he started talking about his vision.
The nurse asked if he was going to have cataract surgery.
He said, “Uh, ma’am, I don’t drive a cataract, I drive a Lincoln.”
I lost it.
I still had some air to relieve, so when I started horse laughing, I let out little bursts, which made the whole thing that much more hilarious. I was laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe.
All the nurses were staring, not a single one of them laughing, like we had just lost our minds.
Strangely, right after that, the nurses let us go ahead and get dressed so we could leave. I consider that a personal success. Getting kicked out of recovery early meant that I could eat, and I was ravenously hungry.
The doctor said he removed a couple of small polyps and I’d have the biopsy results Wednesday. He said I definitely have irritable bowel syndrome (IBS). I didn’t ask, but I imagine he got to see my colon spazzing. The nurse gave me a couple of pamphlets on recovery, IBS, and eating a high fiber diet before letting me go.
Oh, and I did weigh before and after the cleanse. I only lost 1.4 pounds. I guess I wasn’t full of it, after all.
That’s all.
The Girl in Yoga Pants
Toni is the author of The Girl in Yoga Pants, an award-winning blog with an uproarious take on life as a creative mom with ADD and fibromyalgia. A mother of three, all born 8 years apart, she writes about raising a family while having a chronic illness using a unique blend of humor, intelligence, and Southern charm that's just as educational as it is hilarious.
I’m sitting here at work frigging laughing my arse off! My co-workers must think I’m nuts! Glad it went well – hope the results also go well.
My job here is done, then!
I’m sure the results will be okay. I’ll post when I get them. Thank you!
You. Are. Hilarious!
Thank you!
I’m glad you finally blogged about this because I really didn’t want to ask how your poop was. I can’t believe that hospital staff – how can they not laugh? Anyways – something to make note of: while IBS is supposed to be helped by high fibre foods, some of us (yes me) have discovered that high fibre makes things even worse. Try only one fibre source at a time, OK? Being doubled up on the couch praying for death just sucks.
I think it does make it worse! So do probiotics! If I eat too much yogurt…mercy! I guess it’s research time once again…
I stick to basics – fresh fruit, fresh veggies. I avoid high fibre foods like prunes, apricots, seeds, bran. I’ve discovered fresh orange juice every morning is a godsend. Dairy is evil, even ice cream. And I have to drink a ton of water a day. But don’t stop coffee – trust me, it helps. TMI right? Sorry.
TMI? After what I just posted? Hahaha! Nah. I may need to cut back on the meat.
What’s crazy is the fattier cuts are easy on your gut. It makes no sense to me at all. And don’t even consider becoming vegetarian – OMG legumes….pain….GAH!
I didn’t know that. I’ll never be a vegetarian. Ever. Well, I’d probably starve to death if I had to hunt and kill my own food. I still wouldn’t be a total vegetarian. I’d fish and eat eggs. I’ve thought a lot about this, what with the possibility of a zombie apocalypse and all.
You know…that would make a great blog post. And you’re the only person I know who could do it justice. Just a suggestion…..
How To Eat Well Without Getting Eaten Yourself: The Foodie’s Guide to Surviving A Zombie Apocalypse. Think it’ll go viral???
As a matter of fact I do.
Sweet! One zombie survival guide coming right up!
I am glad your scopewent well. Your recovery experience sounds hilarious. Iv seen videos of people on youtube coming out of anasthetic and they are soo funny to watch. I dont think they will let anyone film me when i have my ga for my teeth tho
As change my body said some IBSers find fiber makes things worse. I follow a low fiber diet and am still running too the loo. So take things slowly and listen to your body
I’ll have to find some YouTube videos. That sounds funny! Also, I don’t think a high fiber diet will work for me, either.
Glad to hear all went well with some laughs added in. Everything is better with a side order of jokes. Doesn’t it always figure that when all you really desire is a bit of privacy, a crowd forms outside the bathroom door!
OK, in defense of vegetarians everywhere, eating a vegetarian diet is a godsend for some of us that also suffer from IBS. In my early 20′s I suffered terribly with IBS and the ONLY way I keep it under control is through a vegetarian diet. All of our bodies respond differently to food so I would like to suggest that you don’t count out vegetarianism until you know how your body feels about it.
Thanks for the good chuckle this morning, btw! Great post.
Okay, I guess I should have said I’d never be vegan, as there are vegetarians who eat eggs and fish, right? I could live with that.
There are so many different types of vegetarians. Yes, some eat fish, eggs, dairy. To me, vegetarianism opens the door to explore food that otherwise we might avoid. The only thing excluded is meat (each individual decides what this means to them). Food should be enjoyable and nourish us without making us feel unwell. If something bothers you, don’t eat it…vegetarian or not.
Lol, my recovery wasn’t nearly as funny. I only got a sedative though. It made me feel a little drunk for about ten seconds. They didn’t find anything. Funny thing actually, the doctor who sent me to have a colonoscopy because I mentioned having diarrhea a few times is the same one who prescribed me blood pressure medication for months without doing a single exam apart from measuring my blood pressure. When I changed to a different one, he couldn’t believe he hadn’t done anything.
Anyway, I’m glad it went so well. For me, the worst thing was drinking that stuff what was supposed to clear your colon. It said something about “lemon fresh taste”, but it was just gross. It tasted like ocean with a hint of lemon. And I had to drink two liters…
Oh, you got the magnesium citrate. Ewww! I can’t imagine having just a sedative for that. I would have been a nervous wreck! Glad it turned out well – and that you changed doctors!
Wait, there is another way to do the cleaning thing?!
Yes, but it’s up to your doctor. I had to use Gatorade, Miralax, and Dulcolax.
Hilarious!
I had a colonoscopy last winter and I gotta say, I HATED the prep, partly because I am a huge piggy eater, so got sick of jello and chicken broth and ginger ale pretty quick and kept wanting real food, plus the stuff I had to drink was hideous and it seemed like 5 minutes would go by and it was already time to drink another glass and I kept thinking I was gonna barf. I get a repeat in 5 years since they nabbed a polyp, whee, can’t wait.
Glad they got your polyps, and good luck on the ibs, that sucks!
I pretty much stopped eating as soon as he told me I needed a colonoscopy, because I figured it would just add one more trip to the bathroom. I was so hungry, I was smelling food that wasn’t there! LOL
I found your post hilarious and it really made my day. Thank you!
Shakti
I’m glad. Thank you!
I laughed real hard at your intro. It’s true that prepping up for colonoscopy is sh*tty since you have to clean your insides. I have done an enema to a pediatric patient and her butt bursted out with great po*p.
Hey lady…how’s everything going? I hope okay!