So, this is what my life has come to: blogging about my bowels.
I guess I’m officially old now that I feel compelled to discuss bodily functions and medical procedures with the world. Oh well.
The colonoscopy went very well, although prepping for it was sh*tty. (Ha! ) Prep wasn’t nearly as bad as I imagined it would be. I imagined unbearably painful cramps and begging to die. Fortunately, everything went smoothly, sort of.
Right as the cleansing process began, sweet Little Dragon decided to invite her friend and her friend’s step dad down to see our four new kittens – right outside my bathroom door. So, there I was, in the most vulnerable position a human can be in having the most moving experience ever with a crowd of strangers just on the other side of a very thin wall. Fabulous.
I texted Little Tiger and my mom for help getting rid of them, but help never came. There’s just nothing like being stuck on the potty, is there?
Ha! Yes, I did!!!
Anybody remember that song?
They put me to sleep for the procedure. All I remember was the nurse injecting the anesthesia then I woke up as they were wheeling me into my little curtained recovery stall. The nurse warned me before they put me to sleep that they would inject air. You know what that means, right? Apparently, some people have been too embarrassed to let go of it in the curtained stalls, where – hello – everyone else is doing the same thing!
Seriously? If I was nurse, I’d hold contests and giveaways for the best fart. I’m just crazy like that, I guess. Besides, work should be fun!
This is when I realized that medical people have absolutely no sense of humor. None. Well, either that or they’ve heard all of my unoriginal jokes so many times that it gets on their nerves. But really, when is saying “That laxative put me in a sh*tty mood yesterday, but it passed” not funny?
They must assess people’s sense of humor in the interview. The interviewer cracks a joke and if you laugh until you snort, your resume goes to the bottom of the pile with a “Thanks. We’ll call you,” but if you just smile politely, you’re hired.
I was lucky enough to get the stall beside the funniest old man, ever. The nurse asked me to roll onto my side and relieve the air. My goal was to flutter the curtains, or at least my blanket. I’m pretty sure I at least got the blanket to puff up a little.
The old man beside me, in his thick East Tennessee accent said, “Hey, cut that out!”
He was joking. I can’t remember if I said it or not, but I was thinking, “Yeah, I cut it alright!”
I wish I had videoed my time in recovery. Maybe I was just loopy from the anesthesia, but listening to this dude talk to the nurse was the funniest thing ever. Now I can’t remember everything he said, but the funniest part was when he started talking about his vision.
The nurse asked if he was going to have cataract surgery.
He said, “Uh, ma’am, I don’t drive a cataract, I drive a Lincoln.”
I lost it.
I still had some air to relieve, so when I started horse laughing, I let out little bursts, which made the whole thing that much more hilarious. I was laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe.
All the nurses were staring, not a single one of them laughing, like we had just lost our minds.
Strangely, right after that, the nurses let us go ahead and get dressed so we could leave. I consider that a personal success. Getting kicked out of recovery early meant that I could eat, and I was ravenously hungry.
The doctor said he removed a couple of small polyps and I’d have the biopsy results Wednesday. He said I definitely have irritable bowel syndrome (IBS). I didn’t ask, but I imagine he got to see my colon spazzing. The nurse gave me a couple of pamphlets on recovery, IBS, and eating a high fiber diet before letting me go.
Oh, and I did weigh before and after the cleanse. I only lost 1.4 pounds. I guess I wasn’t full of it, after all.